Beer Troubleshooting Guide
From unknown internet author

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
FAULT: Glass Empty
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
FAULT: You have fallen over backwards
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts
FAULT: You have fallen forward
ACTION: See above

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle
ACTION: rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet
FAULT: improper bladder control
ACTION: stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred
FAULT: you are looking through bottom of empty glass
ACTION: get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM: floor moving
FAULT: you are being carried out
ACTION: find out if you are being taken to another bar

SYMPTOM: room seems unusually dark
FAULT: bar has closed
ACTION: confirm address w/ bartender

SYMPTOM: taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
FAULT: beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
ACTION: cover mouth